23/10/25 United State of News

Another satirical roundup of the world's most talked about news.

This week -

No King No doubt

Sex Offenders Say, What?

America's Economic Albatross

Transcript

Comedy Pilot Presents…

Good evening. It’s the 23rd October 2025 and this is the United State of News. I am Johnson Hood and these are the headlines.

·       Countries stop sharing intelligence with Trump just when he needs it most.

·       Trump builds ballroom so Putin can lead him a merrydance.

·       Reform blames collapse of flagship council leadership on Kents.

But first

Saturday the 18th saw the latest No Kings rally, which attracted around 7 million Americans and a handful of frogs to protest against the Trump regime.

In the days leading upto the event, the Republicans were keen to label the demonstration as a Hate America rally with links to Hamas. Prior to 2023, Hamas was largely unheard of, with most people believing it was made from chickpeas and eaten with breadsticks. But – according to the Republicans, Hamas infiltrated American society in under two years and are now marching its streets dressed as George Washington.

Keen not to be left out of the crazy, Caroline Leavett, Barbie’s evil twin, claimed the rally was linked to Marxists, socialists, terrorists, illegal immigrants, violent criminals, the four Horseman of the Apocalypse and Doc Octopus.

In the end, the event was peaceful and celebratory, though one 53 year old woman was tackled to the ground in Alabama by three police officers because she was dressed as a giant penis. She is said to be a bit testy but won’t face a stiff sentence.

When asked about the protest, Trump claimed he wasn’t a king, despite his great wealth and sausage fingers. He said he was “working his ass off to make America great again,” as he returned back to Washington from his beachside resort.

Despite this busy schedule, Trump found time to post an AI video of himself flying a jet over the protesters and dirtying bombing them in poo. Because he is a serious President with serious things to do. Trump may be the Whitehouse’s answer to Top Dumb, but it is clear 7 million Americans are shouting  eject, eject, eject.

And now we go live to our roving reporter Billy Beans, who has never once given to charity. What have you got for us, Billy?

Just as America had its No Kings rally, the UK has held a No Duke Day as Prince Andrew has relinquished his title following further revelations about his relationship with the human STD Jeffrey Epstein.

Andrew claimed to have cut ties with the sex offender in 2010, but emails now show he had remained in contact and promised Epstein he would ‘play some more soon.’ In fairness, this could have been an innocent reference to playing records, like The Union Gap’s Young Girl, Motley Crew’s Girls, Girls, Girls, or Elton John’s Island Girl.

In any event, it shows Andrew throws out lies like a judge throws out cases about Chinese spies.

The public backlash has been severe. The famous Duke of York pub in Fitzrovia, London has removed their sign, which also featured Andrew’s portrait. But the pub down the road remains defiant and insists it will always be called – The Coach and Nonces.

It comes as no surprise that the wealthy often escape true justice. Rich financier Epstein was given an eighteen month sentence and was allowed out on day release. Daughter of the millionaire tycoon Robert Maxwell, Ghislane Maxwell is in a minimum security prison and is allowed to play sports.  So far, Andrew has been banned from the Woking branch of Pizza Express.

Andrew has denied all wrong-doing and is still a Prince – of Darkness. However, MP’s are now urging him to reveal all he knows to the FBI. Given Andrew’s strong moral fibre, that should be no sweat. 

Good reporting. Now we join Virginia Cluck-Bucket for another instalment of her series examining American culture called ‘Toilet World.’

Further signs have emerged that the American economy – once the strongest in the world – is now creaking like a haunted house. CNN reported an increased number of subprime borrowers – those with a credit score of 670 or below -  have defaulted on their car loans for two months or longer. This is one of the indicators that heralded the Great Recession of 08.

The Whitehouse is pointing to a buoyant stock market as a sign of growth. And it’s true. Rich people are doing fine. They always are. If the stock market is a barometer of prosperity, then the outlook for Dollar Dandies is all sunshine and golden unicorns.

But the stock market is never the full picture and doesn’t reflect the record demand for food banks or a jobs market as lifeless as one of Trump’s dinner parties. It doesn’t reflect food prices, and another barometer – the price of eggs – shows costs between $4.24 and $9.73 for a dozen eggs, which seems expensive for something that drops out of an animal’s bum.

Predicting an economic crash is never certain. David Lefkowitz of USB Global Wealth Management recently said, “I’m not saying we’re in a bubble. I’m not saying we’re not in a bubble,” which is banker speak for, I haven’t a clue and I never did.

One thing is certain, however. It will be the poor who suffer. And not just in the US. When the American 08 housing bubble burst, it dragged the rest of the world down with it, like a drowning fat man trying to shove Rose off her floating door.

Thank you, Virginia.

And that has been the United State of News. I’ve been Johnson Hood. Good luck.