30/10/25 United State Of News

Another satirical roundup of the world's most talked about news.

This week -

Golden Balls, 

The Styling-It-Out Council, 

The Venezuelan Switcheroo, 

PLUS BONUS MATERIAL, 

Are Russia the bad guys?

Transcript

Comedy Pilot Presents…

Good evening. It’s the 30th October 2025 and this is the United State of News. I am Johnson Hood and these are the headlines.

·       Escaped monkey thought to have herpes because he is king of the swingers.

·       Rachel Reeves to defy gloomy UK economic forecast by wearing something cheeky.

·       Raper ICE agents give kidnapper ICE agents a bad name.

But first

Trump self-identifies as a builder, which is probably why the cost of his Presidency has been higher than first thought. Thankfully, we have been spared the sight of his arse crack, unless you count JD Vance, as he now prepares to build a ballroom extension to the Whitehouse by first destroying the East Wing.

Initially, the East Wing was to remain untouched, with Trump stating the new construction ‘wouldn’t interfere with the current building. It would be near it, but not touching.’ The line of defence he should have used after being accused of sexually assaulting women.

The ballroom cost has gone from $230 million to $300 million, but – as always - the same list of sycophantic donors who paid for Trump’s inauguration have paid for the ballroom – a pattern of behaviour that should worry them if Trump ever needs a kidney, though no doubt they’ll donate one of their house staff at that point.

The architect behind the ballroom is James McCrery, who once gave a talk for the Heritage Foundation at Hillsdale College, the same college who sits on the advisory board for Project 2025, leading to the question of whether Trump knows anyone who isn’t a dick.

McCrery designed the space to be 90,000 square feet, giving Trump plenty of room to host those teen beauty pageants he’s so fond of.

It is said the ballroom will be complete before Trump leaves office in 2028, or 2032, 2036, who knows? But as the cost and hubris of Trump’s construction grows, so do the lines at American food banks. Coming at a time of the second longest government shutdown where federal workers are going without pay, Trump’s vanity ballroom project displays the same kind of bad taste that decorated the Oval office in gold.

And now we go live to our roving reporter Billy Beans, who once auditioned for a role in Eastenders and failed miserably. What have you got for us, Billy?

If Kent County Council is viewed as the model of how Reform intend to govern, it looks like that model has fallen on her bum in the middle of the catwalk. Five councillors have now been suspended under an investigation relating to a leaked video, which Reform says shows ‘a lack of integrity.’

And when Nigel Farage says you lack integrity, you know you’re a wrong ‘un. 

The video was leaked to the Guardian newspaper and showed Council Leader Linden Kemkaran haranguing fellow councillors, stating that if they did not agree with her decision, they should ‘fucking suck it up.’

The same advice given to Farage whenever he is pelted with a milkshake.

Kemkaran began her political career as a Tory candidate who stood for the Bradford East seat. She lost to Labour’s Imran Hussain and was later investigated for Islamophobic retweets where she stated Islam was a ‘nasty culture.’ The inquiry was led by then Prime Minister Boris Johnson and it is not clear what happened next. Given Johnson himself stated Muslim women in burkas looked like ‘letter-boxes,’ it is suspected – not much.

Regardless, it is no surprise Kemkaran found a natural home in Reform.

In her time as leader, she refused to fly the rainbow flag for Pride month and called the Ukrainian flag in the council chambers ‘a distraction,’ in the same way a Russian drone strike can be distracting when it destroys a hospital.

Kemkaran remains in post and has vowed to hunt down the cowards who released the video as soon as she gets back from holiday.

Good reporting. Now we join Virginia Cluck-Bucket for another instalment of her series examining American culture called ‘Toilet World.’

American warships are descending upon the Venezuelan coast – as grey and as deadly as George Clooney – and not for the first time, the world is asking itself what the fuck is going on?

The answer may lie nine and a half thousand miles away in China.

Since taking office, Trump has been obsessed with rare earth minerals. It was behind his attempt to buy Greenland, which he did in the same way he buys the affections of women.

It is behind the flurry of deals made with Australia, Japan and Ukraine. 

Knowing these deals would take years to be fruitful, Trump looked to leverage South America with varying degrees of success. He greased Argentinian palms with beef, quadrupling the amount they could import into the US, undercutting American ranchers, making them not so jolly anymore.

He punished Brazil with a 50% tariff when they audaciously removed Trump’s corrupt friend Bolsonaro from office, replacing him with a leader determined to shed US influence, like a vet might deflea a dog.

Like his South American counterparts, President Maduro of Venezuela offered the US a rare earth trade deal, but it was refused, even though he used his best handwriting and everything. Venezuela’s minerals are controlled by criminal gangs and paramilitaries who mine and smuggle them out of the country, meaning even if a deal was struck, supply could not be guaranteed.

Threatening Venezuela with war scratches several itches for Trump. Firstly, it shows the world he is a big boy, even though the size his waistband would be proof enough. Secondly, it’s a distraction from Epstein, ballrooms, falling poll figures and insert-fuck-up-here.

But thirdly, it puts Trump in striking distance of a regime change, removing Maduro and allowing him to take over the mining operations by either killing or recruiting the criminals for ICE, leaving him free to fill his clown pockets with as many minerals or barrels of oil as he likes.

And like knock-off trainers, it is China who is responsible. They hold the world reserves of rare earth minerals and they dislike Trump as much as the next American, forcing him to go cap in hand to Asia and battleship in hand to Venezuela. Whether shots are fired or not, Maduro is about to feel the full weight of American influence and given the size of Trump, that’s going to be substantial.

Thank you, Virginia.

And now we turn to our guest reporter Foot Long Simon, who has just been released from a Turkish prison. What have you got for us, Foot Long?

And that has been the United State of News. I’ve been Johnson Hood. Good luck.