06/11/25 United State Of News

Another satirical roundup of the world's most talked about news.

This week -

Booty Boy,  

Holding Out For A Zero, 

Don't Mess with the Zohran, 

Find us at comedypilotpresents.com

Transcript

Good evening. It’s the 6th November 2025 and this is the United State of News. I am Johnson Hood and these are the headlines.

·       Trump unclear on which criminals he is pardoning, says nurse feeding him soup.

·       Lily Allen humiliates husband in a song. Again.

·       Hurricanes getting stronger due to diet and exercise.

But first

Kash Patel, ex-troll and podcaster – now head of the FBI for some reason – yet again found himself on the wrong end of the ridicule stick when it was discovered he was using an FBI jet to make booty calls.

In 2023, Kash trolled his predecessor Chris Wray over his private use of the jet at the tax payer’s expense. This week, Bloomberg reported Kash flew to Pennsylvania over the weekend to see his girlfriend sing the national anthem at a wrestling event before flying her back to her home in Nashville.

On discovering he had soiled his reputation again, Kash hit the roof – or as close to it as a man of his short stature can. Feeling he’d been betrayed by the agency, he fired department head Steven Palmer.

But like the man who shoves pickled eggs up his arse, the reasoning is unclear. Steven Palmer oversaw the use of FBI jets, but the jet’s flight information was publicly available and Patel posted pictures of himself at the wrestling match. Not for the first time, the true source of Kash’s downfall is Kash.

Despite this, he launched into a social media diatribe against his detractors, also adding a cryptic message for his allies – ‘your silence is louder than the clickbait haters.’ Once again, the meaning is unclear, but Kash likes comic books, so perhaps he was expecting a public statement from Spiderman.

The 45 year old then leapt to the defence of his 27 year old girlfriend in the way older men do when punching above their weight, stating she was a ‘rock-solid conservative’ and a ‘true patriot.’ Kash’s jet-setting occurred during the government shutdown where the true patriots of the military are going unpaid, but where other true patriots are singing in front of steroid bloated, man babies tickling each other through their Lycra.

Stephen Palmer is one of three department heads to be fired by Kash for spurious reasons – one more and he will get his own set of steak knives – which he will no doubt plunge into the back of the next official who fails to protect him from himself.

And now we go live to our roving reporter Billy Beans, who has a special freezer in his house where he keeps dead swans. What have you got for us, Billy?

Rachel Reeves, the Chancellor everyone avoids when she’s on her second glass of wine, took the unusual step of holding a pre-budget speech. Like Labour, it was short on substance, but seemed designed to prepare the country for squeaky bum time; a warning shot across the bowels, if you will.

While Reeves refused to be drawn on a definitive answer, and despite promising not to do so, it now seems likely Labour will be raising taxes in the coming 26th November budget – with income tax, VAT or National Insurance in the cross-hairs.

Reeves laid out the reasoning behind this economic bin fire, beginning by blaming previous Conservative rule, which was a nice change from blaming immigrants. She went on to blame Brexit, which she called ‘ill-conceived,’ like a baby born from a drunken fumble in the back of an Uber. And then she blamed it on the sunshine, blamed it on the moonlight, blamed it on the good times, but did not blame it on the boogie. Thankfully.

Overall, the speech was an attempt at transparency with ‘Your Dad and I are getting a divorce’ vibes. 

But Conservative leader Kemi Badenoch called it ‘a waffle bomb,’ which sounds delicious. The Green Party leader Jack Polanski, whose popularity has surged in recent months due to his ability to be intelligent, stated it was ‘a moral imperative’ to ‘tax the multimillionaires and billionaires’ or all else would be seen as failure.

With nothing confirmed or denied, and no concrete plans on the table, the UK is now stuck holding its breath for three weeks, especially if Rachel decides to tax oxygen instead.

Good reporting. Now we join Virginia Cluck-Bucket for another instalment of her series examining American culture called ‘Toilet World.’

Democratic voters went to bed on Tuesday night with a strange feeling in their stomach, but it was not a tapeworm contracted from Argentinian beef – not yet, anyway. It was a Democratic winning spree and confirmation that their party hadn’t withered like a five day balloon.

Abigail Spanberger had a resounding electoral victory in Virginia, and together with Jay Jone’s victory as Attorney General, it means the state is well-placed to counter Republican gerrymandering with some of their own.

In another election, it appeared Mikie Sherrill of New Jersey might have a tougher path. She was attacked by her opponent for not ratting out classmates who were involved in a cheating scandal when they studied at the US Naval Academy. Taking a pro-snitching stance in the home of The Sopranos was a risky move, especially when the rest of your party is protecting a President who writes birthdays cards to sex offenders. Ultimately, it failed and Sherill went on to win the governorship.

But perhaps the biggest middle finger to Trump came from Zohran Mamdani, who is now New York’s new mayor. As a handsome Muslim socialist, Mamdani was everything Trump hates, if you forget about vegetables. Trump continually referred to Mamdani as a communist and claimed he had never worked a day in his life. Without any sense of irony whatsoever.

Mamdani was undaunted and in the closing days of the campaign, he was in supermarkets, taxi cabs, food halls, nightclubs and church. His presence was inescapable, like Starbucks. Mamdani won the mayorship with just over 50% of the vote share.

Together with the success of Prop 50, Gavin Newsom’s plan to redistrict California, and JD Vance’s half brother Cory Bowman being trounced in his run for Cincinnati mayor, the Democratic base finally have a reason to smile. Which they’ll do for 24 hours before complaining about something else.

Thank you, Virginia.

And that has been the United State of News. I’ve been Johnson Hood. Good luck.