13/11/25 United State of News

Another satirical roundup of the world's most talked about news.

This week -

Shutdown Your Mouth, 

Auntie's Bloomer, 

Low Intelligence, 

PLUS BONUS MATERIAL, 

Mone Money, Mo Problems.

Find us at comedypilotpresents.com

Transcript

Good evening. It’s the 13th November 2025 and this is the United State of News. I am Johnson Hood and these are the headlines.

·       Popular gameshow to change its name to Some Are Celebrities, Get them Out of There 

·       Supreme Court rules gay couples retain the right to be married and be as miserable as the rest of us.

·       Wes Streeting denies plotting against Keir Starmer while twirling moustache.

But first

A deal has been brokered to end the US government shutdown, after a record breaking 41 days – the same length of time it takes Trump to get an erection.

Republicans are calling it a win and Democratic officials have been quick to condemn the eight Democrats who supported the deal, but their lamentations feel like a performance, and not a very good one at that, like a child starring in its first Nativity and repeatedly saying the word ‘Bra,’ out of spite. 

Knowing the public would see this as a betrayal, Democratic leaders are keen to step away from the body and cry, ‘It wasn’t me. The glove doesn’t even fit.’

If they could stop covering their backs for a second, they might see the deal means federal workers will now be paid for their thankless work, backpay is guaranteed, SNAP benefits are guaranteed until September 2026. In addition, Congresswoman Adelita Grijalva has finally been sworn in so she can sign the petition to release the Epstein files, like a thousand flying monkeys.

But most importantly, it means the American public are now assured the Republicans are to blame for their rising costs of health care, which will lead many to forgo insurance and without insurance, calling for an ambulance can cost between $500 and $2000. In the UK, we often call an ambulance just to pelt it with bricks.

Healthcare, as an issue, has now landed firmly in Trump’s lap, like his forehead does whenever he naps during meetings. It has forced Trump to come up with his own idea for healthcare, something he has promised and failed to do for a decade. While the Democrats might not realise it, and certainly didn’t plan for it, they have handed him a live grenade, wrapped in dog poo, with a ribbon on it that says, ‘Happy Mid-Terms.’

And now we go live to our roving reporter Billy Beans, who said feminism is just a phase. What have you got for us, Billy?

A new scandal has rocked the BBC, one which is bigger than the time the housemaid was polishing the butler’s brass in Downton Abbey. The Director-General Tim Davie and CEO of News Deborah Turness have been forced to resign following an issue of impartiality.

The problem arose when a Panaroma documentary doctored footage of the Trump speech that triggered the Capital riots of 2021, making the President seem really treacherous, not just normal treacherous.

Following the insurrection, Trump found himself in court and had he not won the 2024 election, it is predicted there would have been a conviction and he’d be currently giving himself prison tats in the exercise yard.

So it seems like the BBC over-egged the pudding for no reason, like giving Freddy Krueger a gun when his knife-hand was more than enough. The BBC has since apologised and claimed it was an ‘error of judgement.’

The BBC has a long-held commitment to impartiality, a standard they have strived to uphold. But over the years, they have been accused of favouring the right, the left and more recently, in giving a disproportionate amount of air time to the Reform party – a claim made by the Liberal Democrat leader Ed Davey while going down a waterslide.

The BBC is affectionately known as Auntie, albeit in this case, an auntie who got her dress trapped in the treads of a department store escalator and who is now showing her bum to the rest of Debenhams.

And her troubles aren’t over yet. Like a shark sensing dollars in the water, Trump has threatened the BBC with a lawsuit of £760 million. The BBC does not have deep pockets and short of selling Mr Blobby as target practice to a Nicaraguan death squad, this could be another nail in Auntie’s coffin.

Good reporting. Now we join Virginia Cluck-Bucket for another instalment of her series examining American culture called ‘Toilet World.’

The UK has since stopped sharing intelligence with the US regarding the suspected drug trafficking boats in the Caribbean in the belief the attacks are illegal. The move comes as a surprise to many as the UK government usually hates small boats.

Since 2nd September, the US have targeted twenty vessels and killed 76 people. In that time, neither Trump nor Pete Hegseth’s Department of Male Insecurity have provided evidence to prove the victims are drug-runners, with many believing they are fishermen.

In addition, the USS Gerald Ford, the world’s largest warship, has recently entered Caribbean waters carrying 4,000 sailors and guided missiles. It is accompanied by the USS Winston Churchill, a missile defence command ship. So far, the USS Donald Trump is yet to be deployed because it has bone spurs.

Prior to this, the so-called drug-runners have been neutralised with a missile, and several of the boats were stationery at the time, so it was quite literally like shooting fishermen in a barrel. Trump’s increased military presence feels unnecessary and is beginning is raise international eyebrows.

Canada, Colombia and the Netherlands have also restricted their intelligence sharing with the US, and the UN’s Human Rights Chief has called the killings unlawful.

The Pentagon remains tight-lipped, stating, “It does not talk about intelligence,” presumably because it is no longer a prerequisite for working there. Rumours are circulating about a regime change and possible illegal war, meaning Trump could be the first American President to be charged as a war criminal.

Good luck with that peace prize now, Donald.

Thank you, Virginia.

And now we turn to our guest reporter Alan Thumb, who was once dared to drink printer ink and was shitting magenta for a week. What have you got for us, Alan?

And that has been the United State of News. I’ve been Johnson Hood. Good luck.