20/11/25 United State Of News

Another satirical roundup of the world's most talked about news.

This week -

Donalgerie, 

Maga Me Happy, 

Underneath the Arches, 

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Transcript

Good evening. It’s the 20th November 2025 and this is the United State of News. I am Johnson Hood and these are the headlines.

·       Reform UK states it’s not racism if it happened 50 years ago.

·       Daniel Radcliffe being a really good guy gets on everyone’s tits.

·       Trump humiliates female journalist, saying ‘Quiet, Piggy.’ There isn’t a joke with this one. He’s an absolute C-BEEP.

But first

All celebrity supercouples seem to end in bitter acrimony. Bennifer and Brangelina were abbreviated names that symbolised a horrible sandwich of lost identities and their subsequent divorces broke the public’s heart, though some were secretly pleased because no-one likes it when attractive people are happy.  This week, the news was awash with the break-up of another celebrity couple – MAGA sweethearts Donald Trump and Margorie Taylor Greene, or Donalgerie, for short.

Margorie had been a steadfast believer in Trump and her devotion bordered on the manic. But relations have cooled recently and Margorie turned like a yoghurt that had been left out in the sun. She opposed Trump over the Epstein files when she became one of only four Republicans to sign the petition that will see their release. She criticised him over his handling of American healthcare, his repeated trips abroad and for abandoning his America First principles – her mistake being the belief that he had any principles.

Many have welcomed Margorie’s conversion, with some Democrats even suggesting she join their party. And while there may be some truth to the idea she is seeking a new ideology now that Trump is sinking like a lead baboon, her search may have led her to a much darker place.

In the same CNN interview where she railed against Trump and apologised for her role in toxic politics, she also suggested the interviewer invite Nick Fuentes onto the show as everyone’s views should be heard.

Nick is a far-right nationalist podcaster with all the charm of a brown stain on a public toilet. Unfortunately, he also seems to have its staying power and his popularity is growing. Nick is an antisemitic, Holocaust denying, race-baiting, woman hating, Hitler lover. If a portal to Hell ever opened up, a thousand Nick Fuentes would come pouring out. His presence is so toxic, it could give you bum cancer.

And yet, in 2022, Marjorie spoke at one of Nick’s white supremacy conferences in Florida where they discussed the importance of America First. She also recently defended his right to vomit his hateful rhetoric over everyone’s shoes. 

The same opportunism that led Margorie to hitch her wagon to Trump may have led her toward the new generation of Republicans. And just like Star Trek; The Next Generation was not as good as the original, this new version of Margorie may drive America into the dark heart of space and into a black hole. Or white hole, if Nick has anything to do with it. 

And now, we can not go live to our roving reporter Billy Beans, as he is being questioned by police over allegations of ivory smuggling. Fortunately, his American cousin has volunteered to take his place today so what have you got for us, Billy Bob Beans?

The story of the Epstein files has more twists in it than a bowl of spaghetti, but President Trump is fixin’ to straighten OUT the whole darn thing. And like my dear Momma used to say, you don’t bet on a three legged horse and you don’t bet against Donald J Trump.

Mr Trump took time out from stopping fifteen, maybe twenty wars, to order Democrats to release them files and I don’t know why they don’t do it. Maybe they’re locked in Hilary’s desk and she lost the key, but ever since God made Trump President, he had the power to release those files anytime and it just ain’t happen’.

And you know why, don’t you? It’s because of sleepy Joad Biden. He was too busy sniffing kid’s hair and pardoning his son – Hunted Biden – from having a laptop or something. That laptop stole the 2020 election. I don’t have any proof, but I don’t need it because I’ve got an unsubstantiated opinion - and that laptop was Muslim.

Anyway, just like Mr Trump has always said, it’s time to release the files and the Don’t-O-Crats finally listened. The house gone and voted in a landside. Those files are gonna fly out the door as fast as my Daddy did when he heard Momma was with child, and it makes me as happy as a pig in bitcoin, because now, we’re gonna see what them Hide-O-Crats are hiding.

There’s gonna be videos of Biden and Epstein making jokes at women’s expense, there’s gonna be Biden spending time with one of Epstein’s victims, we’re gonna find out why Biden gave a sweetheart prison sentence to Goslain Maxwell and we’re finally gonna hear Biden saying he grabs women by the P-you-know-what.

Yes, sir. It’s gonna be as pretty as an impeachment and I’m sure them files is gonna answer all my questions and stop me from making up stupid, groundless conspiracy theories from now on.

Good reporting. Now we join Virginia Cluck-Bucket for another instalment of her series examining American culture called ‘Toilet World.’

Donald trump is so enamoured by the Golden Arches, he paints his face the same colour. As part of his 2024 election campaign, he pretended to work at McDonald’s, in the same way he pretends to work wherever he goes. And this week, while other leaders were attending the COP 30 climate talks, Trump delivered a speech to a collection of McDonald’s franchise owners.

It comes as no surprise the speech was littered with lies and he began by stating footage of his time working in McDonalds was the most googled thing on the Internet. Where pornography lives. Really? He also boasted about how much McDonald’s he eats, seemingly proud to have the same diet as a divorced dad. 

His main focus was to orange-splain the economy and convince the franchisees, they had never had it so good. But McDonald’s workers are well aware of the McMess Trump is making of the economy. Fiscal uncertainty meant US customers made fewer visits to the restaurant chain compared to this time last year and revenue from US outlets that have been open for over a year has dropped 3.6%. Shares in McDonald’s have also fallen by 2%.

To soften the blow, Trump went on a lengthy meander about the time he destroyed Iran’s nuclear capabilities. Because when your livelihood is about to blow up, you can feel safe knowing it’s not the Iranians who are doing it. It’s your President. And he’s lovin’ it.

Thank you, Virginia.

And that has been the United State of News. I’ve been Johnson Hood. Good luck.