27/11/25 United State of News

Another satirical roundup of the world's most talked about news.

This week -

War Turnip, 

Budget Smugglers, 

Like a Flame to a Moth, 

Find us at comedypilotpresents.com

Buy Us a Coffee at buymeacoffee.com/comedypilotpresents

Transcript

Good evening. It’s the 27th November 2025 and this is the United State of News. I am Johnson Hood and these are the headlines.

·       A 70% drop in migration stuns racists who need to blame something else for their miserable lives.

·       Ex TV presenter Pete Hegseth threatens to court martial Nasa astronaut and war hero Senator Mark Kelly without a sense of irony.

·       Trump pardons turkey before it is rearrested for possession of an illegal firearm.

But first

Hopes are high that the Russian Ukrainian war is coming to a close, which has dragged on longer than the Christmas episode of Eastenders. The peace negotiations have been arduous, largely due to America’s insistence that Russia gets everything they want, but also because Trump’s envoys have all the tact and intelligence of a doorknob.

However, these latest rounds of talks have proven more fruitful, despite the multiple questions surrounding their origins. It began in a Miami hotel and a meeting between Steven Witkoff, property developer, Special envoy to the Middle East and someone who testified in defence of Trump at as his trial for fraud. It also included Jared Kushner, property developer, Trump’s son-in-law with no formal role at the White House. And Kirill Dmitriev, property developer, investment banker and close personal friend of Vladimir Putin.

Together they constructed a 28 point peace plan so skewed in Russia’s favour, it practically called for Zelensky to iron Vladimir’s shirts. And while a Qatari official was asked for their input, neither Ukraine nor Europe were consulted. The plan was then leaked and the clownery at the Whitehouse struggled to find an explanation. First it was a peace plan, then it wasn’t, then it was a framework, and then it was another embarrassment on the global stage.

By that time, the cat was out the bag and the plan – just like Trump’s neck – was met with horror. The plan called for Ukraine’s agreement not to join Nato, to cut the numbers of their standing army to no more than 600,000 and to give Russia more land than it had already acquired through force. European leaders condemned it, but Zelensky’s back was against the wall, or it would have been if all Ukrainian walls had not been destroyed by drone strikes. 

The plan was taken to Geneva where the failings of the Miami Three were addressed and a more balanced plan was written up - without using crayons this time. It seems likely Zelensky will agree to this second plan, but Russia feels more standoffish, suggesting that if they don’t get what they originally wanted, they’ll take their ball and go home – which will probably suit Ukraine down to the ground. 

And now, we go live to our roving reporter Billy Beans, who once went to a cock fight and was disappointed to find they were using chickens. What have you got for us, Billy?

Rachel Reeves, Chancellor of the Exchequer, delivered the UK budget this week like an Uber Eats driver who had once run over someone’s dog and was now on their last chance.

The UK’s GDP rose by only 0.1% in the third quarter of 2025 – the type of growth rate usually associated with a toenail. And not what she had promised when first taking office.

And there were high expectations for this budget. The government had originally floated the bold move of increasing income tax, but as ever – like TACO Trump, Kier Always Chickens Out. The government saw the public’s dour reaction and KACO’d itself.

Instead, they introduced a number of new taxes, including a milkshake tax on milk-based products, reducing the rate to which they bring all the boys to the yard. And there was a new gambling tax, but only for those who place their bets online, and it is not thought to affect the kind of gamble an antique dealer takes every time they google Big Jugs.

In addition, money was raised by reducing tax free savings from £20,000 to £12,000, but this is unlikely to affect those of us who equate savings to how many cans of beans we have in the cupboard. 

Rachel outlined all the pretty things this new money would buy, including a scrap of the two child benefit system, and she concluded with the claim the budget would drop inflation by 0.4% next year.

But given their many missteps, the public’s expectation of the Labour government has dropped far lower than this and if this goes wrong, you can expect Rachel at your door, with a misdelivered order of Kung Pao Beef. 

Good reporting. Now we join Virginia Cluck-Bucket for another instalment of her series examining American culture called ‘Toilet World.’

There are as many right wing, conspiracy addled nutjobs on the internet as there are measles spots on an unvaccinated child, but some have platforms that reach millions. One such influencer is Candace Owens, who made the news this week for being as cuckoo as the clock, but not nearly as charming.

Candace informed her 7 million fans on X that Emmanuel and Brigitte Macron – the President and First Lady of France – have hired hitmen to have her assassinated. The assassination squad are already active in America, says Candace, and consist of a French man, a French woman, and an Israeli. 

Despite the fact her claims sound like a start to the type of joke that gets you kicked off Mumsnet, according to Candace, the information came to her through a credible, but untraceable source - because doesn’t it always.

This follows Candace’s dogged insistence that Brigitte was born a man and may be Emmanuel’s uncle. And that Emmanuel is a homosexual who sleeps with men. To be fair to Candace, homosexual men do tend to do that, so she might be right on that one.

The recent revelation has prompted concerns about Candace’s mental health and had this been a member of the family, the glue would have been taken from them and an intervention staged. The question soon becomes when do influencers like Candace become a feature in their own digital freakshow, where listeners gawk at the bearded lady as she eats raw chicken and explodes from the back end. How much is entertainment and how much is voyeurism.

For those who don’t like her, she could be dismissed as tragic sign of our times, where even a mental breakdown can be made profitable. But to those who like her – to those who love her – it is different.

The man who killed 51 people and injured 89 more in the Christchurch mosque shooting in New Zealand claimed Candace had influenced him above all. The student who opened fire in an Antioch school cafeteria claimed Candace’s ‘stunning views’ helped push him ‘further and further into violence.’ 

Her outlandish claims may not be symptomatic of a health crisis. It may be a cynical attempt to drive up profits, but it is a freakshow act nonetheless – one that pushes her and her listeners to greater extremes. Her lunacy – one way or another – indicates she is so far out to sea she risks being washed up on a foreign shore as a giant turd, but her influence over weaker minds than hers – and that’s saying something – should not be discounted.

Thank you, Virginia.

And that has been the United State of News. I’ve been Johnson Hood. Good luck.