11/12/25 United State Of News

 This week's satirical roundup of the world's most talked about news, including 

 US and Europe Take a Break, 

 To Russia with Love, 

 Pardon me?

 Find us at comedypilotpresents.com

 Buy Us a Coffee at buymeacoffee.com/comedypilotpresents

Transcript

Good evening. It’s the 11th December 2025 and this is the United State of News. I am Johnson Hood and these are the headlines.

·       Trump’s intervention into the Ukrainian peace deal as welcome as seeing blood in your urine.

·       An Extinction Level Event on everyone’s Christmas list.

·       Australian kids banned from social media ask, what is that big light in the sky?

But first

The US National Security Strategy has been published, a document that outlines America’s foreign policy, and it reads like a break-up letter between teenage lovers, essentially saying the US and Europe should be free to see other people, reversing a 70 year old alliance - the kind of blind reversal that results in the neighbour’s dog being run over.

It’s main message is that the Whitehouse will no longer support European democracies and will actively undermine them. Instead, America will favour what they call ‘patriotic parties,’ like Germany’s far right brownshirts, the AFD, the French equivalent of the National Front, and the UK’s very own Reform, led by genetic error Nigel Farage.

The document speaks of Europe’s demise under ‘cultural erasure’ – political speak for too many Muslims. The Whites-Only House don’t want people of colour in America and they don’t want to see them on their European vacation either.

And if I’m not being absolutely clear, let me reiterate – Trump is basing political strategy around his own racist ideology. In a rambling speech about how Somalis have destroyed Minnesota, Trump directed his ire toward Congresswoman Ilhan Omar, stating she had married her brother and that she should go back to her own country. He concluded by saying, what the Somali people have done to Minnesota is not believable. And that I can agree with. It is not believable because it came from a lying sack of shit.

The document has been welcomed by Putin, the AFD, Elon Musk and Hitler’s corpse – the Legion of Doom of racists. But spineless Starmer has yet to open his mouth, which will disappoint Trump because that’s where he likes to rest his cock.

Maga America is the drunken lout pissing on Europe’s shoes and while it might be intimidating to stand up to it, there will be a point where the UK and Europe direct that stream of piss into an electrical socket.

And now, we go live to our roving reporter Billy Beans, who enjoys eating shrimp heads because he likes to taste their dreams. What have you got for us, Billy?

Nathan Gill was the head of Welsh Reform who was jailed for ten years following charges of taking bribes from Russia. And while he works on the opening chapter of his prison memoir – I Thought I’d Be Saved by White Privilege – the Crown Prosecution Service have discovered three more of Farage’s MEP cronies have allegedly swapped their scruples for Ruples.

Jonathan Bullock, Julia Reid and Steven Woolfe all appeared on 112 Ukraine, a pro Russian television channel where they followed the same talking points Gill had been given by his Russian handler, suggesting they too were in Putin’s pocket.

All three deny any wrong-doing.

This comes at a time when the Reform party have opened their wallets to crypto donations, a move that has been heavily criticised because crypto transactions lack transparency, unlike Farage’s motives for deporting people of colour.

Farage denies any wrong-doing.

The origins of crypto currency are difficult to trace. It may have come from Russian criminals selling Novichok as a brand new ice cream. Or it may have come from your Aunt Jenny, who – let’s face it – has always been a bit dodgy.

What is known is that Russia is increasingly using crypto to finance destabilisation in other countries, as witnessed in the Moldovan elections they tried to rig. And one crypto-currency called Tether was used to help Russia in their war against Ukraine. And someone who has a 12% holding in Tether is Christopher Harborne, a man who has recently donated £9 million to the Reform Party.

Christopher denies any wrong-doing.

Getting in bed with Russia is like eating dog food – you could, but why would you? Russia has their own way of dealing with problems, and if it all goes wrong for Farage, he’d be advised to stay away from any open windows. 

Good reporting. Now we join Virginia Cluck-Bucket for another instalment of her series examining American culture called ‘Toilet World.’

For most, Quid Pro Quo was a line from Silence of the Lambs no one understood. For Trump, it is how he runs his bully government and is roughly translated as, ‘It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.’

And those who don’t get rubbing, better beware, says he. Or at least that’s how it used to be because Trump is a spent force, a sleepy orange gibbon whose only real power comes from trading pardons for influence. And even those who have been pardoned understand that power is waning.

Democrat Representative Henry Cueller was pardoned because, as Trump put it, he was targeted by the Biden administration, and not as a jury of his peers put it, because he was guilty of taking a $600,000 bribe from Azerbaijan.

Trump used the kind of intelligence that bankrupts casinos to reason Cueller would be grateful enough to switch to parties and become a Republican. He was stunned, therefore, when hours after receiving his pardon, Cueller filed for re-election as a Democrat without two shits given.

Trump also pardoned former Honduran President Juan Hernandez, who had previously been jailed for drug trafficking. This was at the same time as Trump wages a war on drug trafficking, because he doesn’t do irony. He does women who are too young for him.

Following Hernandez’s release, the Honduran government issued an international arrest warrant for him, ensuring his return to prison, because even small countries can have big balls.

In a related story, Trump thought he had bought the loyalty of CBS news show Sixty Minutes when he greenlit its takeover by David Ellison, the soulless nepo baby of Larry Ellison, Trump’s BFF and someone who once loaned out his private island to war criminal Benjamin Netanyahu.

But after CBS aired an interview with Marjorie Taylor Greene where she ripped him a new one, Trump felt betrayed, claiming the new network was no better than the old one.

Trump is losing his grip on power. The fear of him is gone because Trump is no Hannibal Lecter. He’s more has-been than fava bean, and those who capitulated to him early must be wondering why they bothered.

Thank you, Virginia.

And that has been the United State of News. I’ve been Johnson Hood. Good luck.