18/12/25 United State Of News

This week's satirical bite out of the far right 

 Chile Nuts, 

 Russian War Machine, 

 Trump Turned up to 11 

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Transcript

Good evening. It’s the 18th December 2025 and this is the United State of News. I am Johnson Hood and these are the headlines.

·       Trump’s new MRI scan detects lack of human empathy.

·       Labour investigates foreign interference in doing something right shocker.

·       Farage calls emergency press conference and states, something, something, immigrants.

But first

Measles isn’t the only disease spreading through the Americas. The itchy pustules of Maga have reached Chile, who have just elected Jose Antonio Kast – the now far right President who ran on policies so similar to Trump’s, they could have been written in the same virgin’s blood.

Kast promised to build border walls and concentration camps, deploy the military into high crime cities and deport 360,000 migrants. It’s not clear how Kast feels about Africa, but I suspect he thinks they’re shitholes.

And just like Trump’s fangirling over Putin, Kast is a big admirer of Augusto Pinochet, the previous President of Chile, who oversaw the torture of tens of thousands of leftists and political critics, and someone who really put the dick into dictator.

But Kast did win in a landslide victory through voters happy to swap human rights for clean train carriages. The current leftist government had a low approval rating, and Kast voters felt Chile needed a change - the same mistake American voters and voters across the world are currently making – by assuming change is good.

Saving money by drinking tap water instead of spring water is a change. Introducing autumn colours to your wardrobe is a change. Voting in a far right government feels like torching your car because the brakes are a bit spongey. It’s not change. It’s a trust exercise where you fall backwards into the arms of someone who has fucked off to visit his new ballroom.

The tear-it-down-and-start-again mentality of the far right destroys countries simply because they only ever do the first part. They don’t have the intelligence or patience to rebuild anything in its place, and who pays for the systems and departments that grind to a halt? The poor and the stupid bastards who voted for them in the first place.

Marco Rubio, Secretary of State and a man with the kind of dead smile that tells you he has a hitchhiker’s body in his basement, was one of the first leaders to congratulate Kast on his success, suggesting the two countries can now move closer in terms of trade. Given Kast’s father was a member of the Nazi party, he’s sure to feel right at home in the Whitehouse.

And now, we go live to our roving reporter Billy Beans, who has a never done a poo indoors. What have you got for us, Billy?

Military leaders have issued a series of warnings about the growing Russian threat as a way of preparing the UK for the possibility of war. They were concerned the British public are not up to speed on the danger, hoping we’ll now be up all night worrying about it.

Russia has long employed active measures to break up Nato, Europe and the US – a feat they arguably achieved in 2016. As much as the lady doth protest, Trump was cupped gently by Russian hands and led to election victory in 2016. His businesses were kept afloat by Russian oligarchs and he was paid £20 million to go to Moscow’s Miss World competition  in 2013 – something he would have done for free for a sniff of Miss World’s hair.

Both the US election and Brexit were swamped by misinformation from bot farms – social media accounts run by Russian arses.

Prior to this, the UK had relied on the US and Europe for its defences. Thanks in part to Putin, the UK is now divorced from Europe and the American President is more Russian than vodka for breakfast, leaving us in a vulnerable position.

The next stage of Putin’s plan is to fund the far right to further break up the UK, using Nigel Farage and Tommy Robinson as the tools they are. Reform’s links to Russia are well-documented as are Tommy’s, who travelled to the Motherland in 2020 to spread propaganda about the UK. Elon Musk –  who also has imperialist ideologies – is a fan of Tommy’s and supports him like a far right bra.

The enemy of the US is not narco-terrorist fishermen and the UK’s enemy is not brown people in boats. It’s Russia, and the British people who hang flags from lampposts and holler at asylum seekers might learn that too late.

Good reporting. Now we join Virginia Cluck-Bucket for another instalment of her series examining American culture called ‘Toilet World.’ 

When every week feels like a funeral, it takes something special to stand out, and just when it felt like 2025 might give the world a breather, it returned with a ‘Hold My Pint’ mentality to kick us in the Christmas nuts.

Two students killed and nine others injured at Brown University in the US. Fifteen people killed and dozens more injured at Bondi Beach, Australia. Film makers Rob and Michele Reiner killed in their home, allegedly by their son. Tragedy after tragedy after tragedy.

No words could make us feel better, but there are a few that could make us feel worse. Trump, demonstrating all the warmth of frozen piss, directed a spiteful, hate-filled Truth Social post toward Reiner, insinuating the director had died because he’d consistently criticised Trump, making others feel ‘crazy with his raging obsession.’ 

When asked to clarify his statements, Trump called Reiner ‘deranged’ and ‘bad for the country’, doubling down on a losing hand that explains how he bankrupted his casinos.

It is important to outline all the reasons Trump should be locked up in Arkham Asylum with all the other supervillains, but perhaps it is more important to highlight the joy Reiner gave to the world through his films, except the action-adventure fantasy film North, which sucked big time. 

From the mid-eighties to early nineties, he directed This is Spinal Tap, Stand by Me, the Princess Bride, When Harry Met Sally, Misery and A Few Good Men. Stone cold classics that made him a Hollywood legend, something Trump won’t accept because he can’t handle the truth.

If there is comfort to be found, it is in the worldwide condemnation of Trump’s words, and in the knowledge he will never do anything as great as filming Meg Ryan faking an orgasm.

Thank you, Virginia.

And that has been the United State of News. I’ve been Johnson Hood. Good luck.

Just before you go, I wanted to let you know we’re taking a break over Christmas to restore our mental health and faith in humanity. Some of us will spend that time drinking eggnog – whatever that is – some of us will be breaking our vow to avoid shopping on Amazon – you know who you are – some of us will be writing to Santa for vouchers for therapy.

But we will return, and United State of News will restart on the 8th January. If you want to give us a gift, but you aren’t willing to pay for those hair plugs we’ve asked for, then please follow us and make sure you don’t miss out on next year’s snark.

This really has been the United State of News. I’ve been Johnson Hood wishing you a very merry Christmas.  Good luck.