08/01/26 United State of News

  This week's satirical bite out of the far right 

 Oh, What a Lovely War, 

 Starmer the Self Harmer, 

 Election Denier 

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Transcript

Good evening. It’s the 8th January 2026 and this is the return of United State of News. I am Johnson Hood and these are the headlines.

·       Everyone decides 2025 wasn’t that bad after all.

·       Starmer stands up to Trump with his firmest shrug yet.

·       Greenland changes name to Get Fucked Donald.

But first

For a man who escaped being in a war because of bone spurs, Donald Trump is making up for it now. In his first year in the Whitehouse, he has bombed seven countries and the peace president has started 2026 with an illegal war with Venezuela.

While the US military has been gathering in the Caribbean for several months, the world was shocked at Donald’s military attack. Not as shocked as the Venezuelan President Maduro was, who was soon captured by Delta Force and interned in America to face drug trafficking charges. But if he keeps his fingers crossed, they’ll realise he’s an illegal immigrant and kick him back out again.

The legality of the invasion is murky at best and no doubt Donald will roll out his tried and tested defence line – Venezuela was asking for it. 

The bigger question is what happens now? The same question the Whitehouse is probably asking itself. Because the problem of what to do with Venezuela has now been passed to an administration of imbeciles who couldn’t make a pretend dick out of a hotdog. True to form, no -one seems to know why they done an invasion.

Secretary of Bore, Pete Hegseth made a speech through his beer sweats that seemed to suggest Maduro was the reason, that he’d ‘effed around and found out.’ Which is in direct contradiction to Maduro repeatedly requesting to negotiate with the US. Marco Rubio tried to clarify the situation later by stating it wasn’t an invasion, it was an extended operation that took a couple of hours – suggesting they are only invasions if you stop long enough for a cup of tea and a sandwich.

It was the Big Orange Dog himself who told the truth. It was about oil and Donald wanting something that didn’t belong to him. As a result, the US will now run Venezuela until such time as a convenient puppet can be found to allow America’s ransacking of another countries resources.

And as for further military action? Donald has always advocated against US soldiers occupying foreign countries, but now states the Whitehouse is not afraid of boots on the ground, though they will likely be the well-heeled boots of his oil executive friends, who he informed of the invasion before Congress found out about it on the telly.

Maduro may be gone, but his brutal government remains, together with loyal military generals and 300,000 paramilitaries all spoiling for a fight. Assuming the Whitehouse has been given a brain transplant to the extent they can at least use a toilet without getting a nosebleed, AND assuming all the Maduro loyalists decide not to fight back and go on a nice holiday instead, the course ahead will still be extremely difficult and costly.

Consultancy firm Rystand Energy has said it would take $110 billion to restore Venezuelan oil production to where it was fifteen years ago. While they’re at it, they might as well make Justin Bieber number one again.

The MAGA base are against protracted wars, having got their eleven fingers burned with Iraq. And given the invasion was over in a matter of moments, they may feel justified in celebrating with a toothless grin and a quick fumble with their cousin, but the Venezuelan question still remains and there are already reports of military unrest. If Donald fails to find an answer fast, he may see his approval rating dropping faster than a bomb on an unsuspecting country. 

And now, we go live to our roving reporter Billy Beans, who claims he was the first man on the moon. What have you got for us, Billy?

The United Nations Security Council held an emergency meeting regarding Donald Trump’s illegal invasion of Venezuela. And whereas the UN have previously been quick to condemn the aggression of other countries, this time they were largely quiet and found something interesting on their shoes instead.

Some diplomats did find their voice, with France stating the US actions ran ‘counter to the principles of peaceful dispute resolution.’ So strong words there. There was also condemnation from Russia, who called the invasion ‘international banditry’ but it was difficult to understand the Russian ambassador, as he seemed to be choking on his own hypocrisy.

Always keen to shoot himself in the foot, Keir Starmer the Self-Harmer claimed, ‘International law is the framework, the anchor, the benchmark against which we judge the actions of all other governments.’ He then avoided passing any judgement on Donald by pretending to get a phonecall from his mum.

It’s understandable. The people have long since realised laws don’t apply to the powerful, especially when the powerful have nuclear weapons and dementia.

As a result, Starmer’s critics have said he lacks a backbone, that you’re likely to find more spine in a tin of processed meat than you would in the Prime Minister. But he’s a quiet man, unsuited to the culture war where headlines are made by the biggest mouth or the biggest arsehole. 

This week it seemed clear Starmer’s response to Venezuela would be made through action, not words, as he announced an initiative to move the UK closer to the EU Single Market sooner rather than later. Not only will this net the UK economy an estimated £9 billion by 2040, it means less dependence on the US so the next time the Orange Gibbon starts hurling faeces at a neighbouring country, Starmer might feel less inclined to catch it in his mouth.

Good reporting. Now we join Virginia Cluck-Bucket for an instalment of her new series called ‘MAGA Mayhem.’ 

The 6th of January saw the fifth anniversary of the insurrection instigated by Donald Trump’s cries of election fraud. Originally, between 2,000 and 2,500 protestors stormed capital hill to shit on the very floors their tax dollars are used to maintain. Far fewer turned up for the anniversary, which was as quiet as the voice of Donald’s conscience. Meanwhile, however, a smaller, more interesting event was happening over two thousand miles away in Arizona.

Austin Smith, a House Representative and far right activist was appearing in court. Having spent several years claiming Biden stole the election and that such fraud was the highest crime in the land, was himself pleading guilty to election fraud.

Austin had been aiming for re-election. He was endorsed by the Arizona Free Enterprise Club, a group that petitions for election laws that benefit the right, and the National Rifle Association, a group that obsesses over guns rather than admit they should go to therapy.

But rumours of Austin’s malfeasance began to spread like corrupt marmalade and in April 2024, karma came looking and Austin answered the call. He was forced to withdraw from his campaign as the allegations of his treachery were laid bare in court.

Austin pled guilty to forging one hundred ballot signatures, including one belonging to a woman he knew to be dead. As is so often the case with these people, the accusation is the confession.

As well as being banned from running for office for five years, the self-proclaimed ‘election integrity warrior’ was sentenced to probation, a $5,000 fine and to being a hypocritical dick.

Thank you, Virginia.

And that has been the United State of News. I’ve been Johnson Hood. Good luck.