23/01/26 United State Of News

This week's satirical bite out of the far right 

 United States of Green, 

 Adopt-A-Tory, 

 Wokerati.

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Transcript

Good evening. It’s the 23rd January 2026 and this is the United State of News. I am Johnson Hood and these are the headlines.

·       Windmills frighten old man into starting world war 3.

·       JD Vance asks Minnesotans to identify sex offenders. They point at the Whitehouse.

·       A cannibal recruited to Trump’s Board of Peace isn’t even the worst one.

But first

Europe and the UK are facing a quandary – how to deal with a Mad Dog. Yes, it has fleas. Yes, it will take a shit on your rug. And then it will eat that rug and shit that back out on your sofa.

But it can be reasoned with, right? A FIFA Peace Prize here, an actual Peace Prize there. Appeasing Donald Trump is like throwing a village elder into a volcano hoping it won’t turn around and reduce you to ash.

There should be no quandary. Donald is a piss-stained, junkyard mutt and it’s time for the world’s leaders to finally roll up their newspaper and shove it so far up Donald’s arse, he can taste the sports section.

But – for the 100th time – here is another lesson in how appeasing Donald fails every time.

At one point, Louisiana Senator Bill Cassidy looked like a man of principle. As a doctor, he had dedicated his life to the health of others and was one of the seven Republicans who voted to impeach Donald after the insurrection. He no doubt expected Donald to vanish, like he’d just exorcised an orange ghost. But as we know, Donald is harder to get rid of than a toenail fungus.

So instead of sticking to his guns, which in Louisiana come free with every handjob from your partner, Bill backed down. Desperate to protect his reelection bid, he spent the next decade cleansing every stain Donald left behind as eagerly as a washing machine with a whore’s mouth.

In 2025, Bill had been a doctor for 42 years. He knew the importance of vaccinations, but he swallowed his principles to vote to confirm RFK Jr as US Health Secretary – a man who is well-known anti-vaxxer who swims in sewage because it’s good for you and who has also claimed vaccines, Tylenol and foreskins cause autism.

As a result of RFK Jr – someone who looks and sounds like he’s been mauled by a vindictive shark – the US is now facing a measles epidemic so severe, it risks losing its legal status of – not a leper colony.

That’s on RFK Jr, but it’s on Bill, too. He knew the dangers of confirming a nutjob who shouldn’t be in control of a medicine cabinet, nevermind the Centre for Disease Control and Prevention, but he did it anyway. Who cares if a few kids die, right? I did what Daddy Donald wanted and now he’ll endorse me for reelection.

Wrong! The President, having assured Bill he would stay neutral in the primary race, endorsed rival Julia Letlow, an untested representative with less than five years experience in office.

So what is the lesson for Europe? Don’t oppose Donald because he’ll get you in the end? No. It’s that Donald is the walking embodiment of rabies. He makes everyone around him crazy. He doesn’t matter what chew toy you throw his way, he wants to hump you and hump you hard.

So why not stick to your principles? Why not stick to your guns? Because even if you lose, you’ll still have those. And maybe someone else sees your example and they come out to fight too. And then it’s not one compromised doctor in the fight, it’s an ex-marine, it’s a plumber and a nurse. Even Mad Dogs can’t fight a whole village and then - maybe - we’ll finally get to take Donald to the vets and have him put down.  

And now, we go live to our roving reporter Billy Beans, who believes in Santa Claus, but not in kindness toward strangers. What have you got for us, Billy?

While Nigel Farage denies his far right party Reform is a charity for abandoned Conservatives, his Adopt-A-Tory recruitment drive continues as he welcomes Sith Lord Robert Jenrick as his latest concubine.

Robert began his career being voted in as the MP for Newark and as the man most likely to strangle a dolphin. He held a number of ministerial positions and in the role of Secretary of State, he broke travel restrictions during the pandemic. Twice - taking the same view as many politicians – do as I say, not do as I do away from media scrutiny. 

Later, when he was Secretary of Housing, he approved a £1 billion luxury housing development belonging to Conservative party donor Richard Desmond. Robert sanctioned the deal in such a way that Desmond avoided a £30 million fee due to the council, after which a second, shadier donation was made to the party because Desmond – as a former pornographer – was used to using the backdoor.

The High Court ruled the approval unlawful by reason of bias. Robert defended himself by saying, yes, it was unlawful, but…. and the whole thing was swept under the carpet.  

Failing upwards, Robert was Secretary of Health for a month before becoming Secretary of Immigration, and this is where his darkness really took hold.

A child-care centre in Kent provided temporary housing for asylum-seeking children who were without their parents. Robert ordered the centre’s staff to paint over the cartoon mural of Disney characters on the walls. He did it out of cruelty, but defended himself by saying, the cartoons were not age appropriate for teenagers. Given these children had seen their homes destroyed by war, it seems likely they’d be able to cope with staring at Mickey Mouse for a few days.

It was Robert who increased the amount of asylum seekers in hotels at a cost of £37.5 million a month, a scheme he would later blame the Labour party for as ‘an abuse of tax-payer’s money.’

Robert eventually resigned as Secretary Child-Catcher over the Rwanda asylum plan, which was a scheme where illegal immigrants and asylum seekers would be flown from the UK to Rwanda, whether they belonged there are not. Robert disagreed with the plan because ‘it didn’t go far enough’ and it is presumed he would have much preferred them flown directly into the sun.

As a rat in human form, Robert finds himself amongst his Reform peers where there is no need to defend himself anymore. Want to take bribes from the Russians? Go ahead. Want to say a bunch of racism? Fill your boots.

Robert has finally found his home. In the sewer with the rest of them.

Good reporting. Now we join Virginia Cluck-Bucket for an instalment of her series called ‘MAGA Mayhem.’ 

Rob Schneider, stand-up and star of Hollywood comedies so low budget, they couldn’t afford to have comedy in them, continues his anti-woke tirades in a desperate attempt to explain his failed career on something other then himself. 

Rob appeared on the SNL sketch show before launching into films where his movie making career stalled more often than a Tesla. But Rob continued playing bit parts in films made by Adam Sandler, surviving off the back of his much more successful friend, becoming the Hollywood version of Quasimodo’s hump.

In his latest opinion piece for shit show Fox news, Rob criticises Stranger Things and an episode where one of the characters comes out as gay, claiming American audiences don’t want to see that – a fact immediately disproven by Stranger Things making an estimated $1.4 billion from US audiences while Rob hasn’t had a win since he last took a piss and kept his shoes dry.

Rob quotes Arlington Cemetery and the soldiers who died to protect free speech while also decrying films that give women a voice. He doesn’t see the hypocrisy, in the same way he didn’t see a problem in sending his eleven-year-old daughter to a fat camp.  

His belief is that the film industry is failing because of woke – because they let a Columbian woman play Snow White and because there was a lesbian kiss in the Lightyear film. It’s not because the films were bad because if it was, his films like The Hot Chick – Metacritic rating of 29 out of 100 – or Benchwarmers – Metacritic rating of 25 out of 100 – might also be to blame. And anti-woke warriors are never to blame.

If Rob doesn’t like diversity, then nobody should like it. He’s the taste-maker, it’s just a shame that taste is bad. And like he doesn’t see his own hypocrisy, he doesn’t see the irony of his celebrity coming from bit parts where he played people of colour with funny accents.

Thank you, Virginia.

And that has been the United State of News. I’ve been Johnson Hood. Good luck.

The United State of News was written by Shaun Baines and Nikki Fagbemi. It was presented by Shaun and Gillian Baines, Nikki Fagbemi and the esteemed Alex Morrison.