29/01/26 United State Of News

This week's satirical bite out of the far right 

 Help is at hand, 

 Wet Tissue, 

 Please, sir, can I have some more violence?

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Transcript

Good evening. It’s the 29th January 2026 and this is the United State of News. I am Johnson Hood and these are the headlines.

·       Trump sues reality for not being what he says it is.

·       Conservative Suella Braverman the latest to leave a sinking ship, seemingly unaware of what that now makes her.

·       Stealing elections is only bad when Democrats do it.

But first

With ICE protests erupting all over the US, the country begins to resemble an unstable middle eastern dictatorship desperate to hurt its detractors and America may soon become Iran, but with a bigger diabetes problem and more guns. 

The scale is obviously different. In the US, 12 people have been shot, two of which have died compared to Iran, where Human Rights activists have verified deaths of around 5,000 so far.  But the ideology of those in charge is the same.

Homeland Security Secretary, Kristi Noem and ICE commandant Gregory Bovino, a man with all the charm of a twitching corpse, immediately leapt to the defence of the ICE agents involved in the murder of Renee Good and Alex Pretti, smearing the victim’s names in the hopes their murders might seem justified.

The media was awash with their lies and so in light of this, where can the American public go for help?

By all accounts, the Democratic party have suddenly realised they should oppose the destruction of their country and have been vocal in their dissent. But this only carries so much weight when seven of them also voted to increase ICE’s funding - a vote that occurred two weeks after Good’s death, proving Dems have a memory shorter than Bovino, who at 5 foot 4 inches tall, would be better off guarding a chocolate fountain for Willy Wonka.

When your government hates you and your representatives are either powerless or stupid, it is up to the people to defend themselves. There are more and more protestors on the streets, but for those who can’t join them or can’t find a frog costume that fits, there is the option of an economic boycott where the public no longer buy from American companies.

After Disney pulled the Jimmy Kimmel show because the comedian had offended His Royal Orange, a boycott, not only made Donald Duck cry, it dropped their share price to the point where they had to reverse their decision. The Canadian’s boycott of American alcohol led to a 62% drop in sales and less fist fights in Canadian homes. Following Elon Musk’s Roman salute, Tesla’s were branded cock mobiles and their value dropped to the point where they can now be swapped for friendship bracelets and a day pass to Peppa Pig World. 

Despite what Trump says, the US has allies all around the world and the UK is being mobilised to act. The UK’s Stop Trump Coalition organise petitions and increase awareness of the threat Trump poses that goes way beyond his smell. And a list of American companies has been produced for those interested in buying with a conscience. (Links are provided in the transcript of this episode where you’ll also find I can’t spell many of the swear words I use.)

No one’s saying you can’t ever go into McDonald’s again, though your bowels would thank you if you did, but how about staying away for a week, or a month? Delay buying your Apple phone. Cancel your subscription to Grok because, let’s face it, we all think you’re super creepy now anyway.

Like the dog who kicks the cat who kicks the mouse, the shit flows downward and hurting a billionaire’s wallet hurts Trump and if nothing else, that thought alone will keep you warm in these cold winter months.

And now, we go live to our roving reporter Billy Beans, who writes all his passwords on a sheet of paper by his computer, if anyone’s interested. What have you got for us, Billy?

Once again, the UK’s Prime Minister Kier Starmer proves he can score an own goal and step on a rake at the same time. 

Following Trump’s Fox interview where the President claimed NATO forces weren’t involved in front line fighting in Afghanistan, Kier was rightfully angry, calling Trump’s words ‘insulting and frankly, appalling’ and if Trump kept this up, there’d be no more special back rubs for him. Miraculously, it worked and Trump changed tack, immediately lavishing praise on the UK’s military like they were the lips of his Press Secretary.

Suddenly, Kier was riding high. He wasn’t the wet tissue Prime Minister anymore. He was a big, strong boy; a prize-fighter, capable of taking on all new-comers. Everyone except Manchester Mayor Andy Burnham, that is, who was seeking a return to Parliament via a Gorton and Denton byelection. Burnham, a rarity in British politics in that he is well-liked, has long been considered a contender for the Prime Minister role, but first, he had to win a seat.

Given Kier is currently as popular as a fatberg, he couldn’t allow a rival into the ranks so rather than fight his corner, Keir decided to check himself before he wrecked himself and blocked Burnham from running.  

His reason? Burnham was doing an excellent job as Manchester Mayor and Labour couldn’t afford another party taking over. In layman’s terms, that means Burnham is too good at his job and I can’t have someone good anywhere near me.

Kier ran scared and fifty Labour backbenchers co-signed a letter to tell him so. The end result is a party in disarray – again – and an opening for Trump-loving Reform to steal another parliamentary seat.

Taking a defensive posture, like a hedgehog covered in spikes and fleas, undermines the strong man image Keir accidentally stumbled in to. Political manoeuvrings may have saved his leadership for now, but in a culture war where voters are looking for someone strong and dynamic to support, Kier presents as an MP so boring, the Labour party could sell him as a sedative. 

Good reporting. Now we join Virginia Cluck-Bucket for an instalment of her series called ‘MAGA Mayhem.’ 

Now that Herr Greg Bovino has being fired from his job in ICE as the elf on the shelf, the Whitehouse faces a backlash from Maga influencers who have reacted badly to him being flushed down the toilet like a dead goldfish.

Far right commentator and possible lizard, Meghan Kelly was quick to board the victim blame train, stating, “I know I’m supposed to feel sorry for Alex Pretti, but I don’t,” proving the only thing lower than her fat percentage is her capacity to feel empathy.

Greg Kelly, host of Newsmax and several parasitic worms, was at pains to show how easily a phone can be mistaken for a gun, implying Pretti’s death was a simple error of judgement and why don’t we all just move on with our lives. 

Weirdly, he also emphasised the fact his phone was black, as if colour somehow played a role in someone being shot, which – to be fair – is usually the case.

Tim Pool, a right wing nut has recently faced criticism of being nothing more than an authoritarian cheerleader, a fact he disputes and, desperate to show he is as much a part of Ice as a pepper spray is, he stated, “I’m not licking the boot. It is my boot. I’m the one doing the stomping.” 

Pool later went on to say, “I am not licking anyone,” for which we can all be grateful. It is impetigo season, after all and we don’t need Pool spreading his crusty fuckery any further than his You Tube channels.

The right wing media are all too keen to see more bodies pile up by the side of the road. Their job is to continually feed hatred into the system. Trump, for all his power, is still answerable to the polling numbers, the stock market and – of course – to the Russians. He is limited whereas Maga influencers are accountable to no-one, leading to the question of where the true power in American politics lies.

Thank you, Virginia.

And that has been the United State of News. I’ve been Johnson Hood. Good luck.

US Brands Boycott – top 50 US Brands

Food & Beverage

McDonald’s – The world’s largest fast-food chain.

Coca-Cola – One of the most recognisable soft drink brands.

Pepsi – Coca-Cola’s biggest rival.

Starbucks – The coffeehouse giant.

KFC – Famous for its fried chicken.

Burger King – A fast-food alternative to McDonald’s.

Subway – The global sandwich chain.

Domino’s Pizza – A major player in pizza delivery.

Kellogg’s – Known for cereals like Corn Flakes and Frosties.

General Mills – Produces Cheerios and Häagen-Dazs.

Retail & Clothing

Amazon – The world’s largest online retailer.

Nike – The sportswear giant.

Adidas (US division) – Though a German brand, its US arm operates separately.

Levi’s – Makers of the iconic denim jeans.

Under Armour – A competitor to Nike and Adidas.

Gap – Parent company of Banana Republic and Old Navy.

Walmart (Asda) – Although Asda was sold, Walmart retains a stake.

Costco – The American wholesale retailer.

Foot Locker – A major sportswear and footwear retailer.

VF Corporation – Owns brands like The North Face, Vans, and Timberland.

Tech & Electronics

Apple – Makers of the iPhone, MacBook, and iPads.

Microsoft – Creators of Windows and Xbox.

Google (Alphabet Inc.) – The dominant force in search and online advertising.

Facebook (Meta) – Owners of Instagram and WhatsApp.

Tesla – The electric vehicle pioneer, with Elon Musk as the CEO.

Amazon Web Services (AWS) – Powers much of the internet.

X – Formerly Twitter – Many people are closing their accounts and switching to bsky since Musk made the platform a personal mouthpiece for endorsing the far right.

Hewlett-Packard (HP) – Known for computers and printers.

Dell – A major PC manufacturer.

Bose – Makers of high-end audio equipment.

Entertainment & Media

Netflix – The dominant streaming service.

Disney – Owns Marvel, Pixar, Star Wars, and ESPN.

Warner Bros. Discovery – Includes HBO, CNN, and DC Comics.

Paramount – Parent of MTV, Nickelodeon, and CBS.

Universal Pictures (NBCUniversal) – A major film and TV studio.

Spotify (US division) – Though originally Swedish, the US branch is significant.

Electronic Arts (EA) – Known for FIFA and The Sims.

Activision Blizzard – Creators of Call of Duty and World of Warcraft.

Take-Two Interactive – Publishers of Grand Theft Auto.

Amazon Prime Video – Competes with Netflix and Disney+.

Finance & Services

Visa – A major payment network.

Mastercard – Another dominant financial services provider.

American Express – A well-known credit card company.

PayPal – A widely used online payment system.

Goldman Sachs – A leading investment bank.

JPMorgan Chase – One of the world’s largest banks.

Citibank – A major US banking institution.

Bank of America – One of the biggest banks in the world.

McKinsey & Company – A global consulting firm.

Deloitte (US division) – Though global, its US branch has major influence.

Final Thoughts

A US Brands Boycott is a personal choice and can be motivated by various factors, from supporting local businesses to political or ethical considerations. However, many of these companies have global supply chains, meaning their products and services can still influence markets worldwide.