Fears Rise over Trump's Brain Wobbles | Satire

In this week's episode, we discuss Trump's mental health. Does he have dementia or a serious case of the I-Don't-Give-Hoot's?

We'll also be discussing how plans for his gaudy ballroom have collapsed like his polling figures.

Transcript

Good evening. It’s the 21st May 2026 and this is United State of News, taking a satirical swipe out of politics. I’m Johnson Hood and later we’ll be discussing the rubble left behind by the East Wing demolition, which is in no way a metaphor for Trump’s second term. 

But first

For some, Trump’s increasingly erratic behaviour is a sign of a mental health crisis and his speedy decline is less of a slide into dementia and more like he’s riding a fireman’s pole straight into madness. But what’s the truth? 

Trump’s father Fred Snr developed Alzheimer’s in the 1980’s and while this increases the risk of getting the disease, it is a small risk. A bigger contributing factor is age. Trump is 79 and not a good 79 where you go wow, what’s your secret? It’s more like wow, you clearly escaped from the grave. Let’s put you back in the coffin before you eat my brains.

Another contributing factor is lifestyle. Trump’s constant diet of McDonald’s and Taco Bell would be enough to drive anyone insane. They have the same nutritional value as medicated shampoo and are unlikely to feed the body so much as salt it like beef jerky.

Trump’s sycophant allies would argue he has a mind like a steel bear trap, mainly because it snapped shut years ago and contains a severed foot. Mike Johnson pointed toward Trump’s stamina and work ethic as proof of his mental acumen, cleverly omitting how many times Trump falls asleep in meetings. And Karoline Leavitt stated Trump is always the most well-read person in the room. If that room is the neo-natal clinic, that might be true.

And yet other one time allies are now calling Trump out, drawing attention to his near constant brain wobbles.

Far-right podcaster and professional swastika Candice Owen’s called Trump a ‘genocidal lunatic’ and Alex Jones, the dethroned Infowars presenter said Trump ‘does babble and it sounds like the brain’s not doing so hot.’ 

This in itself reveals something new. There was a time when undermining Trump was unthinkable. He said injecting disinfectant cured Covid, the right said nothing. They simply went to the store, bought themselves a fresh bottle of Toilet Duck and prepared for a rough night.

Now they sense weakness. They understand the perception of Trump has changed and he’s an easy target. Whether that’s down to his dementia or the fact he can’t open a door without starting a fire is not clear.

Over in Europe, where the adults are, even foreign dignitaries are taking potshots.

In reference to Trump, the French Senator Claude Malhuret said, “When a clown moves into a palace, he does not become king. The palace becomes a circus.” And the car park is where they shoot the elephants too old to perform.

Critics often point to Trump and his midnight marathon posting sessions as evidence of his lunacy. In December 2025, he posted a massive 160 times in five hours, just under 2 posts per minute. He recently posted 55 times in 3 hours, which is an increase of over 3 posts a minute. It was his typical ranting and he posted footage of a black woman stealing food, a black man smashing dishes in a restaurant and made time to call Hakeem Jeffries Low IQ. 

And before you say, that’s just Trump being a massive, horrible racist, he also posted a picture of the Governor of Illinois JB Pritzker, exaggeratedly overweight and eating a pizza. So he doesn’t like fat people either, despite him also being obese and a fully paid up member of the ‘I haven’t seen my penis in twenty years’ club.

But is this dementia? Any of it? The posting? The opinions of far right conspiracy theorists? There’s even speculation that it’s not dementia, but the madness of late stage syphilis. Could it be that?

All people become increasingly unfiltered as they age and their unguarded moments grow with every new wrinkle and haemorrhoid, and maybe that’s all this is. A disgusting human being finally dropping the act that he ever was one. Labelling Trump as having dementia gives democrats a path to the 25th Amendment, where he can be removed on grounds of ill health. Representative Jamie Raskin has already tabled the motion, but it is unlikely to pass without Republican support, which they won’t give, because what parasite wants to kill their host. There is also the concern that pursuing the 25th Amendment would suck the oxygen from the Democrats bid for re-election so the idea already seems to be stalling, like a learner driver at a traffic light.

But the dementia discourse does have one advantage. It takes away the argument that Trump’s unpredictability is some kind of negotiating technique, that he is crazy like a fox rather than crazy like he’s caught the pox. Every thing he says and does is a manifestation of his illness and while watching him unravel is as horrifying as watching a baby eat a cigarette, we need him up there debasing himself as often as possible.

I wouldn’t wish dementia on my worse enemy, but if that’s what he’s got, then it couldn’t happen to a better fucking person.

And now, we are unable to go to our roving reporter Billy Beans, as he is currently starring in a sequel to the west end musical Grease called Lube.

So now we join Virginia Cluck-Bucket for an instalment of her series called ‘MAGA Mayhem.’ 

Trump doesn’t know his arse from a hole in the ground, which is ironic, as that’s all he been left with now that his request for 1 billion dollars to build his ballroom has been derailed by the Byrd rule, which states funding for extraneous provisions can not be passed through the reconciliation process. 

Initially, the ballroom was to be paid for by Trump’s cronies, but as costs inflated faster than his waistline, the President was forced to go to his bottomless well of money, or as other people call it, the taxpayer.

Trump claims they have wanted a ballroom for one hundred years, but it is not clear who ‘they’ are, unless it’s the voices in his head telling him, this time, this time, Donald, daddy is going to love you. According to a recent poll in The Washington Post, only 28% of the American public approve of the ballroom, and these are probably people who can afford to eat without having to sell grandma’s wigs. They don’t mind shelling out more money if it means Trump gets a dedicated place for his ritual sacrifices – I mean, a dance floor.

One person has wanted a Whitehouse ballroom for a long time and Trump’s obsession started before he gained office; an obsession that basically boils down to being snubbed by Barack Hussein, ‘veiled racist insult,’ Obama.

In 2010, Trump approached Obama’s senior advisor David Axelrod with an offer to build the Whitehouse a ballroom. At the time, Trump was appearing in the tenth series of The Apprentice and flying around in a private jet owned by a man he didn’t know. The Whitehouse turned down his offer, something he never forgot, mentioning it again at a 2016 campaign rally event.

Trump may not remember how he got dressed this morning, but cross him and that memory gets seared on his brain like griddle lines on pork.

The skyrocketing costs for the ballroom have been linked to the need for bullet-proof glass, anti-drone equipment and the commercial license needed to play YMCA on a loop.

Previous Presidents have assembled tents for state events and each erection at the Whitehouse costs around 1 million dollars, though it could be argued it cost Bill Clinton a lot more for his. The current administration states the ballroom will eventually pay for itself, but as always the figures don’t add up. To pay off a billion dollars, it would take 1000 state events, which are staged between 5 and 10 times a year, meaning the debt accrued by Trump’s ballroom will eventually be paid off at the same time the sun explodes.

The Republicans have vowed to pass the funding through some other way and unless they can be stopped, it seems likely it will be the American public who will foot the bill. Given Trump’s bad taste and the fact he has decorated the Oval office in gold and gilded frames, America is about to pay for something that best resembles the boudoir of an aging French prostitute.

I’ve been Johnson Hood. This is United State of News. Good luck.