Trump's Support Runs for the Hills | Satire

The elephants are officially breaking. Welcome back to United State of New with Johnson Hood! Today, we’re diving into the absolute chaos tearing through the Republican party as Trump tries to establish a $1.8 Billion "hurt feelings" slush fund for January 6th rioters. 

Plus, Stephen Miller has finally crawled out of his crypt with a brand-new, completely illegal immigration policy designed to reduce the green card system to rubble. 

Finally, we bid a bittersweet farewell to Stephen Colbert after CBS’s own Bari Weiss cancelled his show for refusing to kiss the ring. But like Gandalf the Grey, Colbert is already rising from the ashes on YouTube—and Trump’s AI dumpster slop isn't going to stop him.

👉 SUBSCRIBE, LIKE, and leave a comment below... if you dare.

Transcript

Trump is raiding taxpayer’s pockets at a rate that would make Attila the Hun blush and the Republican Congress is finally waking up to the idea it’s making them as popular as spotting a band-aid in a swimming pool.

Trump’s latest heist is a 1.8 billion dollar slush fund that will be awarded to anyone who feels they were targeted unfairly by the Justice Department for doing something as innocent as committing a crime.

Republicans, who are already facing a tough midterm, will be forced to defend Trump paying Jan 6 rioters hundreds of thousands of taxpayer’s money because their feelings were hurt when they were sent to prison where they belong, and it’s proven to be the straw that’s broken the elephants back. There’s rebellion in the air. And fewer planes now that Trump has increased the cost of jet fuel.

Heading up the slush fund is acting Attorney General Todd Blanche, who looks granite come to life. When asked if Jan 6 rioters were really going to get compensation for beating up police, he defended the move by saying, “People who hurt police get money all the time.” 

Todd had lunch with Republican Senators to better explain himself and he received the kind of roasting generally reserved for ginger people in the sun. Ted Cruz, who WASN’T on a Mexican beach tanning his little burito, was at the meeting and claimed it was one of the roughest he’d ever seen, saying “My guess is there was probably about 45 senators in the room and at least half of them were blasting the attorney general, and they were pissed.”

Republicans Brian Fitzpatrick is actively attempting to derail the fund while Don Bacon called the move inappropriate. Thom Tillis called it ‘Stupid on stilts’ and Louisiana’s John Kennedy said, “I just don’t know how this puppy dog will work,” which I assume is a reference to the slush fund and not the family pet he’d just run over.

Trump has typically maintained control of his party with an iron fist, because he lost his original hand to diabetes. Should anyone step out of line, Trump endorses their challengers in upcoming primaries, forcing incumbents out, and it works. To a degree.

Senator Bill Cassidy just lost his re-election bid after Trump backed his opponent. But now he is off the leash and there’s no need to grovel to Trump anymore. In reference to the slush fund, Cassidy said, “People are concerned about paying their mortgage, not about putting together a fund for the President to pay who ever he wants.”

In trying to enforce his will, Trump is creating more enemies and there are plenty more in line to join the rebel scum. Texan Senator John Cornyn has also lost to Trump-backed Bill Paxton. It comes as no surprise Trump supports Paxton because – like Trump – he has enriched himself through his office, is an election denier liar and cheated on his wife. Trump and Paxton are the two sides of the same groin.

With the addition of Cornyn, the number of Republican rebels is swelling like Trump’s ankles.

When asked if he was losing control of the Senate, Donald Trump said, “I don’t know. I really don’t know.” But what Trump doesn’t know could be written on Jupiter and he’d still run out of room.

Libs like me, have been proclaiming there are cracks in the Republican alliance for months, but now it’s finally here and – despite my natural revulsion – I’ll be celebrating their cracks until the midterms.

Now for a quick break and when we return, we’ll be talking about -

Like being chased around your house by a serial killer, Stephen Miller is most dangerous when he’s hiding and lately, he’s been keeping a low profile. But he’s finally emerged from his crypt, which he shares with Dracula and the ghost of his humanity, with a brand new, all cruel immigration policy.

Announced with fanfare, the Whitehouse stated all resident immigrants hoping to secure a green card need to apply from their country of origin. 

The green card process has remained unchanged for over sixty years, Currently, immigrants can apply in the US, where they have rights and appeals, or they can apply from abroad where they have to take their chances. Rightly or wrongly, past administrations have approached this system with a “If it ain’t broke…” mentality. This administration, however, have taken a different stance. “If it ain’t broke, give me five minutes, and I’ll reduce it to rubble.”

The policy is so full of holes, it looks like your dad’s underwear and critics, lawyers, charity groups, some dogs and an abandoned shoe immediately saw the flaw in Miller’s plan. Firstly, it is completely illegal and as soon as it reaches the courts, it’s going to be shot down quicker than an American fighter jet by another American fighter jet.

Secondly, Trump has already banned people from 90 countries from applying for a green card abroad. So if immigrant is thrown out of the US to anyone of these countries, they can’t return. Or they may be forced to return to a country that Trump has been bombing recently and they can’t return because they caught a bad case of the deads.

Some other people – and I think you know which people – will say, good. One less person of colour, though they are unlikely to use that exact phrase. Again, you know who I’m talking about. But what if that person was your doctor, or accountant, or spouse. And even if they are none of these things, the vast majority of people applying for green cards are in the US legally. They have jobs, they pay taxes – unlike Trump and his buddies – and they contribute to their community. Take them away and we’re left with a crater in the economy we can rename the Gulf Of Miller’s Stupidity.

And finally, this policy puts pay to the idea that this administration is only interested in getting rid of the violent immigrants, or that MAGA doesn’t mind immigration as long as it’s done the right way. Immigrants applying for green cards are doing it the right way, but it’s not the far right way and so Miller has stepped in.

So if this new policy is illegal, what’s the problem? Well, it’s the same problem all these announcements cause. It creates fear and people self-deport, or people rule out living in America altogether. And what does that leave you with? It might mean the next time you need your bunions done, you get a doctor without any formal training, but they do have a buzzsaw and a can-do attitude.

Another short break and we’ll return with - 

Comedian, talk show host and all-round nice guy, Stephen Colbert closed his last show on 21st May with an audience of 6.74 million.

The show had been running for over ten years and was a chat show success until it was cancelled by CBS’ Bari Weiss - Trump’s personal suckle monkey - after Colbert criticised CBS settling another frivolous lawsuit by Trump for 16 million dollars.

Reflecting on his departure, Colbert said, “I’ve really liked working with CBS. They’ve been really great partners.” Trump, showing a similar level of grace, posted AI slop showing him lifting Colbert from the stage and throwing him into a dumpster, as if the President could lift anything more than his trousers from around his ankles.

Paying tribute to Colbert were stars like Jane Fonda, Paul McCartney, Bruce Springsteen, Sally Field and Mark Ruffalo. What luminaries will pay tribute to Trump once he is gone? MacDonalds? Together with an apology for the Big Mac he inevitably chokes on. 

Less than 24 hours after departing the CBS network, Colbert was working for everyone’s overlord master YouTube where he released an episode of the low-tech chat show Only In Monroe on his own channel, which I recommend subscribing to.

Colbert has also announced his intention to write a screenplay for a new Lord of the Rings film. He is a long standing fan of Tolkien and is more interested in hobbits and elves than any grown man has the right to be.

So far, Colbert has won eleven Emmies, two Grammy’s and three Peabody’s. Trump was given a fake peace prize by a football organisation mired in scandal before stealing the actual peace prize from someone who earned it. 

On the face of it, it may feel like Trump has won, but like Gandalf the Grey returning as Gandalf the White – or some such nonsense. Honestly, those films are so long, I lose interest halfway through – Colbert is sure to return more powerful than you can possibly imagine.

And that has been The Uson Show. If you want more, try the video where we discuss Trump’s brain and how it’s as spongy as a soft play area. Please like, subscribe and leave a message. If you dare. I’ve been Johnson Hood. Good Luck.